“This Will Fix Everything”: Things You Can Buy That Will Definitely Fix Everything Forever

This week I went to Target to grab garbage bags. As is Target’s habit, I left with more than garbage bags.

For one, I bought a 2017-2018 daily planner.


I thought to myself, “this will fix everything.” And I chucked it in my cart next to a new scented candle and a pack of pens. I’d later grab a pair of loafers too.

And just to clarify, all these things are not garbage bags.

As someone who is flirting with 30, I’ve realized that there’s no magic moment where “adult” happens. Where you remember to get your oil changed and you don’t forget to load the dishwasher and your desk is a clean desk and no coffee spills on your shirt because coffee is for drinking! Where you don’t worry about fruit flies because you took the garbage out and you like drinking water and you only say cool and normal things because you’re just someone who is both normal and also cool!

You don’t yell, “SAMPLES!” at the grocery store when you see there are cheese samples up for grabs. To my credit, it is cheese.

I know that there won’t be a magic moment where all those pieces suddenly click into place, but some days I have to wonder….can’t one of those things click? Preferably the coffee one? I’m ruining shirts.

I’m also old enough to know that these things don’t matter and everything is fine, but they sure could be finer. And sometimes you need tools that facilitate the fixing of everything. To not make you a type A personality per say, but someone who can fake type A. Someone who cheats on the personality test.

My new planner is going to do the job. It’s going to help me remember errands and bills and tire-rotating and writing and research and probably just general world-saving.

This isn’t like those other things I bought thinking they would fix everything, or at least some things. This planner is going to fix it all.

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Cleaning Up Nice: My Many Uniforms

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London police women, circa 1970; photographer unknown

When I was in college, the business department offered a series of lectures designed to help you get a job in your years after college.

There was one night devoted to learning the art of networking. Their suggestion: don’t be afraid to approach people; be open and friendly and make eye contact; and practice your elevator speech. If you’re unfamiliar with a networking elevator speech, it’s the 30 second explanation of who you are and what your experience is, explained in the time it takes you to ride an elevator.

My elevator speech: Hi, my name is Meredith. Don’t you like this eye contact I am making? I got my degree in clothing design, and my Masters in Visual Culture, but I’m currently working in IT mostly for reasons that rhyme with death-by-student-loans. On a scale of 1 to 10, I am 10 open and friendly! It’s been an amazing learning opportunity, and I’m eager to see where I can expand those skills moving forward. Is this where the eye contact ends?!

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You Made it Weird: History’s Fourth of July

 

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My bell was at the cleaners today, so I just wore a coffee stained t-shirt and leggings as pants. Equally, if not more, patriotic, I say.

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When you hear there’s cake in the break room.

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“When one week closes… something about a window”: Ideas for a Better Week

The week has its eyes on you.

Signs Last Week was Rough

  • You catch yourself pondering the best methods of barricading your office door with empty coffee cups and hoarded highlighters from the supply room. Answer: ditch both and use your office mate’s desk chair instead. Where will your office mate sit? He’ll stand. Sitting is bad for you. How do you get your office mate on board? Yell, “GIMME THAT DESK CHAIR! IT’S IMPORTANT!”
  • Writing poetry in your head about how punching coworkers is bad (I have a small and sneaking hunch, that my coworkers, I should not punch)
  • The highlight of your week was trying out a new grocery store. Things they had: a special section for gravy boats, “fashion flyswatters,” a garlic sauce called “the pink stuff,” that was bubble gum pink, very confusing, and on sale.
  • You cried reading a story about Obama calling one of his staffers when her cat died to express his condolences. 1) To my credit, it was a lovely, heartfelt story about a president being kind, and we haven’t had one of those in awhile; 2) the book was Who Thought This Was a Good Idea by Alyssa Mastromonaco, and if you’re a woman in any leadership role, I think you should read it; and 3) I don’t even like cats very much. That’s how lovely this story was.
  • By the end of the week, every time your work phone rang, you yelled a prolonged, “NOOOO!”
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The pink stuff in question.

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Chipmunk-Treachery: Battling Invaders in Your Garden

Some things you should know about me.

I am a person with a hat. Trust me, it’s a big deal.

Today I found a surprise stash of crazy straws when I was cleaning my apartment! My beverage game is unmatched right now.

And I have a garden that I talk about a lot.

…Oh my gosh! I’m so glad you asked! You see, my garden is going through something.

I seem to have unintentionally crafted a nature preserve on my 8 foot by 5 foot patio patch of cement.

Real things the neighbors get to hear:

  • “I only want the best for both of us!”- I yelled at a bee. To my credit, the bee was getting all up in my business.
  • “BIRDS! THERE ARE OTHER PATIOS!”- I yelled at a pair of birds who were either getting amorous or discussing the new Game of Thrones trailer on my patio as I was trying to eat breakfast.
  • “Nobody wants you here, cat!” – I yelled at a cat who was trying to climb on my patio.

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Milwaukee Chronicles Part 2: I am a person with a hat.

Hey team. Welcome back.

It’s been awhile! Unfortunately the job that pays me takes precedence over the blog that doesn’t, but I’ve missed you guys.

Some news! And before we go any farther, let me say, this is going to be a very important blog post. This is basically breaking news.

I am now a person who owns a hat!

Milwaukee is home to local millineries, the Hen House and Brass Rooster, two connected shops that make hats for women and men respectively. After two years of perusing the hats as a curious shopper, thinking they were too expensive for that particular trip, snapping a picture for Instagram, and running out the door, on my recent birthday extravaganza, I decided it was time to make a purchase.

 

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Tuesday Helmet: First Day Back From a Long Weekend

Still from Wonder Woman, 1975

The Tuesday Helmet: when Tuesday gets too big for its britches and you need to wear protective gear.

 And because more superheroes need to worry about safety in the workplace.

Good luck this week, team.