Dear Keifer Sutherland,
Will you help me open the Keifer Sutherland School of Intense Breathing? I’ve been watching your early years of 24, and your acting is 80 percent breathing heavily, 18 percent yelling, 2 percent wearing sunglasses.
We could make millions, (but we probably won’t)
Dear Everyone on Facebook,
Stop traveling. Stop planning to travel. While we’re at it, stop owning globes. All of you should come to Wisconsin and sit in my studio, so we can all stare at each other and be sad together. And then when I complain about my student loan payments, you all will be so sympathetic because I am the first person going through this and my story is definitely unique and new and worth your time.
“I’m Special! I know it!” Meredith
Dear All Museums,
Stop doing interesting things in continents I can’t currently visit. You’re bumming me out. Maybe just close down until I receive a check to use on adventures? Yes. That sounds best. Subsequently, if you hear of anyone with extra money wanting to fund the travels of a twenty-something in Wisconsin….
Currently learning by googling images on her phone while reading Wikipedia pages on her computer,
Dear Teenagers at Starbucks,
I hope this letter finds you in good health. I’m writing to inform you, you should literally thank your lucky stars I learned to filter myself and then complain about things in blog form later, because you were literally one “literally” away from a very awkward and loud lecture about proper use of the word “literally”.
I am writing in regards to your habit of working out your angst the moment anyone who isn’t me is looking. Like when I’m running a meeting. I don’t love that. You and I both know you were running fine ten minutes ago. You’re horrible and I hate you. Especially you, Excel.