I’m not going to lie to you. This is going to be a bit of a weird post.
I have a working theory about cornfields, and living in Wisconsin, I see a lot of them. Trust me, I’m basically as much of a cornfield expert as you can be without actually knowing anything about corn fields.
You’re walking through your neighborhood, and you reach the stretch of path that runs beside a working cornfield placed quite bizarrely in the middle of Wisconsin suburbia. The stalks are tall and impenetrable. You can hear a vague rustling despite the lack of wind. A thought suddenly enters your head.
“I bet a serial killer lives in there.”
And suddenly I’ve never been more certain about anything. My theory: Every cornfield is required to house one serial killer.
I know what you’re thinking. A theory has never been more rational! I thought the same thing!
This week however, as I was driving past a usually dense, field of only the most sinister corn, I was startled to see the corn stalks were gone. Corn is eventually harvested, you guys!
But then the question you all must be asking is, “where did all the homeless serial killers go?” I know because I asked myself the same thing!
I have a couple theories. And if we’ve learned anything about my theories, we’ve learned they are always correct.
- Theory 1: The serial killers travel to the mountains of New England to see the colors of the leafs change. They come back when they start missing cheese curds, which just so happens to coincide with cornstalk-height of 5 feet.
- Theory 2: They go on a jams and jellies themed road trip through the south to find an appropriate jam and/or jelly to pair with their killer corn cake recipe.
- Theory 3: Meditation retreat in Arizona. Is it really worth all the serial-killing? This is when they dig deep and really get to the bottom of it.
- Theory 4: There probably aren’t any serial killers hanging out in cornfields.
It’s probably that last one.