Now looking for an intern to perform the following duties:
- High five me for the little things. Put on pants that aren’t made for yoga? High five! Answered all your emails? High five! Folded all your laundry and can now use your chair as a chair and not a closet? High five!
- Heat up my dinner from the big batch of food I made the Sunday before.
- Heat up a Red Baron pizza when I realize the dinner I made isn’t very good.
- Research the origin of the Red Baron as a pizza mascot. Get to the bottom of this important issue. You’re doing it for all of us.
- Figure out why my mouse isn’t working while I keep writing this blog post on my phone.
- Clean out my refrigerator and also stock my refrigerator.
- Figure out why my car is making that noise. You know the one.
- Find something better for me to watch on Netflix.
- Convince actual busy people that I do need an intern and just leavemealoneaboutit!
- Make major life decisions. Warning: You’re fired if you decide incorrectly.
Benefits include: stale gummy worms, white rice, me singing you the Newsies soundtrack, and college credit.*
*I’m not totally certain how to grant college credit, but I’m pretty sure it’s like getting knighted. “You have been credited collegially!” I’ll declare as I tap your shoulders with a pool noodle because who an afford a sword these days?