Wisconsin Winter: That Time I had a Blogpost Nervous Breakdown 

(Rational-people translation: That time I was cold, but fine.)

I mentioned in a previous post that I have a reputation for being dramatic.

Well, buckle up because I’m warming up my drama muscles. (So you all realize I’m not a total lunatic, I’ve added the translations for rational people when necessary.)

Wisconsin winter might be the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
(Rational-people translation: Wisconsin winter sure is less than ideal!)

I was in New York this weekend, and upon returning to Wisconsin, the state decided to turn on me in a big way. When I left town on Friday, the temperature was lingering in the mid-twenties. Basically, the rainforest. I got back today to a meteorological slap in the face:

Nonsense.

 (Rational-people translation: It was warmer, and then it got colder.)

My advice for surviving the cold:  

  • Don’t make your appliances do the work. Carry your own weight: I’m currently typing with my feet on the heater. It’s not that I have a bad heater, I just have to set my heater up for success! It’s asking a lot for the heater to work to heat the room. Stay within a one foot radius of your heater for optimal effect. Good job, heater! My toes have stopped hurting from cold! (Rational-people translation: WHY HASN’T MY HEATER BEEN FIXED YET?)*

  

  • If it generates heat, it is probably your friend: I’m currently using my pink Target candle to warm my hands. “Come! Warm your hands over this decorative candle! It smells like a baked good!”- said no one ever. (Rational-people translation: Consider buying some gloves. Open flames should not always be a go-to solution.)
  • DON’T LIVE IN WISCONSIN: This is a silly place. A silly place full of delicious cheese, but until someone makes a coat made of cheese curds, consider moving NOT HERE. It doesn’t matter. This is just a silly, stupid place. (Rational-people translation: Wisconsin is a good state most of the time. Just be better about getting your heater fixed. Also, eat all of the cheese. It’s a solid choice, just not in coat form.)

Excuse me while I go take an emergency hot shower and gather every blanket I’ve ever owned. Go forth and be warmer than I!***

*Upon investigation, I believe I sent my maintenance request to the wrong email. That’s on me. I might die, but that’s on me.**

**Rational-people translation: I probably won’t die, but it could happen.

***Rational-people translation of the blog post: I’m cold, you guys.

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