I’m Not Dead, but my Laptop Sure Is


taken while checking out a travel laptop from work. 1) the travel laptop room is astonishingly bland. 2) the laptop didnt work when i finally got it home. Because of course it didn’t.

I am very excellent at breaking things. As a matter of fact, my job is breaking things. I take software, and I twist it in so many different directions that I shake out any weaknesses before it reaches the masses. I like to think I give software confidence problems. I’m basically a software bully.

I’ll say, I’m good at that, but I’m excellent at breaking everything else. Usually when I need it most. In the last month, I’ve dealt with:

  • Dead car battery (twice)
  • Broken heat
  • Narcoleptic phone (My phone keeps shutting off because it’s too cold)
  • I was walking through the parking garage to my car, and the ceiling light above my car went out as I was under it. Still not convinced that it wasn’t a ghost.
  • Calling AAA for dead battery #1, the operator said, “So, I know you’re not lying about your address because I just looked up your location on Google, but our system is saying it doesn’t exist. This has never happened to me before.”
  • The pizza hut app kept breaking as I was trying to order dinner after dead car #2
  • My ChromeCast stops working after watching one episode of any tv show on Hulu or Netflix.
  • Recently discovered my work computer has half the memory that it should. (That one hurt and explains a lot of Tuesday afternoons waiting for my computer to stop being frozen.)
  • An unknowingly volatile bottle of ginger ale killed my work keyboard.
  •  I ripped off the sole of one of my boots when I was trying to work it off with my heel. 
  • I dropped a glass bowl and was too worn out from work to clean it up, so I pushed the bigger pieces into the corner of my kitchen and left it there for two days (a broken spirit being the byproduct of a broken everything else) 
  • Last night broke a plate I purchased in grad school. It was my first non-plastic dish I ever owned. Don’t worry. I’m turning it into a metaphor about growing up.

I’m very good at breaking things. Most recently, I was plugging in my laptop charger to write a blogpost about my newest cookbook, Dump Meals, when it emitted a large spark. The laptop is fine, if a little dead. Dump Meals is fine.* The charger is not. 

All that is to say, 1) it’s been a weird month, 2) I’m typing this from my phone, and 3) work has calmed down so I’m coming back soon!

So stop all of your definitely real panicking! All of it! Once I get a new charger and renewed sense of technological grace and poise, your weekly whimsy shall return.

I guess in the meantime, you guys can watch football or something.


*Phewf! Am I right?!



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