Tuesday Plan of Attack: That time everything was fine, but I would like it to be finer

My Monday. Also, a 1948 Life Magazine spread about roller derby.

I got home from work today, and in an attempt to find something brainless to watch while eating dinner, I turned on some Katherine Heigl movie thinking, “it’s probably not that horrible one.” It was that horrible one.

Some days and horrible Katherine Heigl movies leave you in a funk.

A real still from “27 Dresses”

I can’t totally blame Monday. Or even Katherine Heigl. I feel like my funk has been brewing for awhile. But the danger of a funk is that it gains momentum. Suddenly, what is probably just needing a vacation turns into a glorious rage at my neighbors, my job, my coffee stained clothes, my dumb dinner I made, my dead plant, the state of Wisconsin, and potentially most deservedly, Katherine Heigl.

Perpetuating the myth that a woman can afford all of those dresses and the space to store them on an assistant’s salary in NEW YORK. Otherwise, this movie is realistic and normal and not a twisted depiction of an unhealthy relationship between sisters. Definitely.

Here’s the thing though. When you have a funky Monday, Tuesday holds the fate of the rest of the week. It is Tuesday that can turn a “belt yourself to a lamp post and wait out the twister” week into a “I can’t stop raising the roof because the roof is just too low” week.

Those are both well-known week types. Everyone knows that.

So here are my new “Tuesday approaches” to Monday’s hiccups because I prefer roof-raising.

I slept in. I’ve done that more in the last month than in the year preceding.

Think of all that awesome sleep! You don’t have classes anymore. Who are you trying to impress?

Why do all my favorite shirts now have old coffee stains on them?

Why sip coffee when you could stare life in the metaphorical eye, and just chuck it at your face? That’s how I want to live, and I want the coffee stains to match!

Why is my hair doing that thing that it does when there is a single rain drop outside?

You’ve got Albert Einstein hair! That’s the smartest of all the hair! Lucky!

My car still smells like mildew from the flood two weeks ago.

Your car survived a flood. Where you smell mildew, the world smells street cred.

I just got to my office, and I already have three missed calls.

People trust you with their questions! And look at that! You’ve got a working phone! You’re doing it, champ!

I would rather not be creating this spreadsheet.

Create the heck out of that spreadsheet! Your spreadsheets change the spreadsheet game!

Also, paycheck. Remember that part.

I would love for my inbox to chill out for a minute.

Your inbox is excited to be alive? Hey!!! You should be excited to be alive! Don’t let your inbox show you up!

I’m still working on this same spreadsheet. Why am I still working on this spreadsheet?

Some day other spreadsheets will study spreadsheet history, and they will see your spreadsheet as the George Washington of spreadsheets!

And definitely don’t forget….paycheck.

But mostly keep working for spreadsheet glory.

Excel just crashed. I lost an hour’s worth of work on this spreadsheet.

Don’t think about that! Just think about how great you are now at writing this spreadsheet! If the Olympics had a spreadsheet event, you’d be all over that business. Bob Costas would be interviewing you about what inspired you to spreadsheet.

I forgot to log my time for the entire month of July. 

What a great chance to walk down memory lane! (If that memory lane was lined with only spreadsheets, meetings, answering emails, and then more spreadsheets.) Good thing you’re so good at spreadsheets, or this might be astoundingly boring.

My car has a puddle underneath it? It’s most likely moisture off of the AC unit, but it could be the first sign of car death.

Are you still complaining about things?

Checking the mail at my apartment, and I don’t have any. I find this suspicious.

….What’s wrong with you?

I wish I didn’t make lentils for all my dinners this week.

….no, seriously what’s wrong with you?

Why is this horrible Katherine Heigl movie so horrible?

I can’t help you there.

Sigh. When all is said and done, when the phone stops ringing and all the spreadsheets are saved, when the lentils are cooked and when movie-Katherine Heigl makes peace with her sister and something about dresses….

Today was fine, but we can do better than fine.

Looking at you, Heigl.

1/27th of the aforementioned dresses.


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