“This Will Fix Everything”: Things You Can Buy That Will Definitely Fix Everything Forever

This week I went to Target to grab garbage bags. As is Target’s habit, I left with more than garbage bags.

For one, I bought a 2017-2018 daily planner.


I thought to myself, “this will fix everything.” And I chucked it in my cart next to a new scented candle and a pack of pens. I’d later grab a pair of loafers too.

And just to clarify, all these things are not garbage bags.

As someone who is flirting with 30, I’ve realized that there’s no magic moment where “adult” happens. Where you remember to get your oil changed and you don’t forget to load the dishwasher and your desk is a clean desk and no coffee spills on your shirt because coffee is for drinking! Where you don’t worry about fruit flies because you took the garbage out and you like drinking water and you only say cool and normal things because you’re just someone who is both normal and also cool!

You don’t yell, “SAMPLES!” at the grocery store when you see there are cheese samples up for grabs. To my credit, it is cheese.

I know that there won’t be a magic moment where all those pieces suddenly click into place, but some days I have to wonder….can’t one of those things click? Preferably the coffee one? I’m ruining shirts.

I’m also old enough to know that these things don’t matter and everything is fine, but they sure could be finer. And sometimes you need tools that facilitate the fixing of everything. To not make you a type A personality per say, but someone who can fake type A. Someone who cheats on the personality test.

My new planner is going to do the job. It’s going to help me remember errands and bills and tire-rotating and writing and research and probably just general world-saving.

This isn’t like those other things I bought thinking they would fix everything, or at least some things. This planner is going to fix it all.

Things that I bought to fix everything, and they maybe fixed, like, three things

Journals


I’m a sucker for a journal, but it’s mostly because journals are widely known as fixers of everything. Or at least writer’s block. Or at least that’s always my hope when I buy a new journal. That suddenly I’ll have all the brilliant and new ideas that the literary world has been missing because I now have decoratively bound paper. And once the literary world and all my middle school bullies buy my great book I started on the pages of these journals, I’ll get to spend my days writing in glamorous pajamas and only eating the best burritos.

What they actually fix: the problem of too much space on your desk.

Whatever, man. I still love them.

Shiny shoes

Like most people, when I find myself caught in the Winter, Tuesday, and “I would like a sandwich” doldrums, I often think about how much happier I would be if my feet were shinier. And when I’m happier, I don’t yell things in the grocery store, which I think really gets at the crux of all my problems.

An unfortunate side effect of shiny shoes, is you end up yelling in grocery stores, not about samples, but about your shiny shoes! It’s a real situation.

Shiny Skirts


Why just have shiny shoes, which only solve some of your problems, when you could have a shiny skirt too, and round up to 100% of problems solved?! What a great thing!

How happy and productive you’ll be when you’re wearing your shiny skirt! No one can bother you with silly work things when you’re wearing a shiny skirt! Because people can’t look directly at you! You’re like the sun!

But even shiny skirts need to be dry-cleaned. And they don’t really go with comfy pants, and that’s a deal breaker.

KitchenAid Whisks


I know what you’re thinking. “How does a KitchenAid whisk fix everything, or even three things?” Oh man. How does it not? With that KitchenAid whisk, you’ll be better at whisking, and when you’re better at whisking, there’s just. no. stopping you. The world is your whisked oyster!

As it turns out, having a KitchenAid whisk might make you better at whisking and generally looking like you know your way around a kitchen, but it doesn’t make you better at remembering to take your multivitamin.

Scented Candles


Sometimes you say to yourself, “this apartment smells like last week’s chicken and tennis shoes!” Adults’ apartments tend to smell like 401Ks, Bluetooth headsets, and fiscal responsibility. But because that smell has not yet been harnessed, I usually just go with a citrus candle to achieve the same effect.

I would tell you it is the same, but it is not at all the same.


Not all things can fix everything, you know! It’s important to remember.

But fortunately my Target planner totally will. It’ll fix it all.

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