Practically Perfect: Mary Poppins Millinery

For a blog whose name is rooted in her accessory collection, we don’t talk about Mary Poppins very often. Or at all? Yeah, I don’t think she’s come up. Which is weird because she’s my favorite. She’s the best.

I don’t remember why I fell in love with Mary Poppins, in the same way, none of us remember why we thought tapered stirrup pants were a good idea in the 90s. But there was a moment where we found ourselves wearing stirrup pants, and there was a moment when I was head over heels for Mary.

I loved her songs, her clothes. Her carousel horse was easily the best one. She could fly. She could dance. She could jump into sidewalks! She had tea parties on the ceiling! That’s the best place for tea!

There were scenes I didn’t understand till I was older, but I don’t think you were meant to understand everything about Mary Poppins. She danced and sang with toys, animals, cartoons, and chimney sweeps. I loved her so much that I would prance around and talk in a “British accent,” that was mainly just me jumping octaves as I spoke, toting a pink vinyl Minnie Mouse umbrella imagining there was a parrot at the end giving me sass.

She was practically perfect in every way. The magic tape measure said. And if I know anything, I know you don’t argue with a magic tape measure.

As a grownup, I fell in love all over again. She brings nonsense, but she never takes it. She has the power to take people on adventures, but it’s always on her terms. She is the one who tells people how it is, and she never worries if she’s too aggressive or too cold. She’s Mary Poppins, and that’s that.

And let’s talk for a minute about her carpet bag. She can pull a lamp out of there! What else can she lug around? Shrimp tacos? Jaunty scarves? Artisanal coffee mugs? Books about the Vikings?

Answer: yes. She’s Mary Poppins. She does what she wants. Including research the Vikings. Everyone has hobbies.

She’s the greatest, and I decided, for what I believe is the first time in 29 years, I’m going to be Mary Poppins for Halloween. It’s about time. I could use a little Mary Poppins in my life right now.

I had most of what I needed for the costume.

• A white blouse
• A navy high-waisted skirt
• A parrot umbrella

But as I was assembling the pieces, I realized there’s a fine line between regular lady with a cluttered purse, and a magic lady! That will teach you how to appreciate life via. kite-flying! And also has a cluttered purse!

I needed the hat.

People make versions of Mary Poppins’ hat that are available for purchase. Some look spot on. Others not so much. I didn’t even try to order any of them because of head-size-reasons, but once upon a time, I studied fashion design. I decided to try to make my own.

It’s at this point in the blog post I need to decide if this is a cautionary tale against trying to make your own costumes, where the moral of the story is to just buy an Angry Birds costume from Target and grab a bag of sour straws while you’re at it, or if this is a glorious tale, fulfilling childhood dreams, and my college degree being a thing I finally get to use. Let’s see.

The planned supplies:

• 1/2 yard of black fabric- Make sure it’s sturdy, preferably with a visible weave, or also get a half yard of interfacing.
• Fake daisies
• Fake cherries
• Needle and black thread
• If you are one of the many normal-skulled, you might try finding a simple black hat that you can decorate. Us abundantly-skulled have to build this from the ground up.

That was the plan. And then I went to Joanns.

As someone who studied Clothing Design in North Carolina, the best clothing store I had at my disposal was Joanns. Joanns is fine if you want to clothe a small army in novelty fleece. Joanns is fine if you need fabric with Disney characters driving Nascar race cars decorated with holly berries, because it’s almost Christmas. Joanns is less fine if you just want a black structured fabric, preferably with a visible weave.

Joanns: Where novelty fleece is an invasive species. 

So if you are being forced to problem-solve because Joanns gotta do Joanns, and you aren’t particularly in the market for vinyl decorated with the Disney Princesses playing ping-pong or rhinestone jack-o-lanterns, here’s plan B:

• 1/2 yard of burlap
• 3 sheets of sturdy felt
• 5 (one package) of 1″ wooden beads
• fake wildflowers
• Paint: black, yellow, red
• Needle and thread
• tape measure (non-magic tape measures will do)
• And an emergency hat if your crafting goes awry

The Hat

• Measure your head circumference. Subtract 3 inches. The hat should rest on top of your head.
• Take a moment to think about all the brains that must be rolling around up there. And then think about how you use a lot of it for remembering the words to “Shoop” by Salt & Pepa.
• Using the tape measure and the length from number 1 to form an oval on your fabric. This will be the top of the hat. Cut out the oval.
• Using that oval as your pattern, lay it on another sheet of your fabric. Trace the oval, and then trace a larger oval, 2 inches larger in every direction.
• Then cut a strip of fabric two inches wide, and two inches longer than your head circumference.

• At this point, I used these pieces as patterns for my burlap, and then stitched the burlap onto the felt. I only messed it up some of the time.

Looks like an abstract toilet. This is definitely isn’t a metaphor for my crafting.

• ASSEMBLE! Hand stitch (or hot glue for the lazy efficient!) the 2 inch band around the perimeter of the oval. Then attach the brim to the other side of the 2 inch band.
• If you were able to get black fabric, proceed to the next section. If not, paint the hat black, grumbling about how Joanns needs to cool it with the fabric featuring the Muppets pursuing nautical hobbies.

Verdict so far: I’m still holding out hope, but I feel like this hat might belong to Mary Poppins’ lazy cousin, Harry Poppins, short for Harriet. She had too many spoonfuls of sugar, so now she’s on the paleo diet. She travels by umbrella, but her parrot just sings “Rosanna” by Toto. Her carousel horse is a donkey named Ding-Dong.

But once begun is half done, so let’s keep going.

• Paint the cherries. 1) These do not look like cherries a person wants to eat. 2) “Painting the cherries” sounds like a euphemism for something boring. Like orchestrating a a sting to see who is stealing my string cheese out of the break room refrigerator.

This is starting to look like a thing that could be a hat that Mary Poppins wears if she lost her favorite hat, and ends up wearing the hat her coworker bought her.

• Snip some blooms from the flowers, being sure to vary the length of the stems.
• Hot glue them onto the hat with the cherries, staggering the spacing and the heights of the flowers.
• Grab your carpetbag and go feed the birds.

Looks pretty solid! Is it perfect? No. But it’s practically perfect. No need to go buying any Angry Birds costumes this time around. Sour straws are still up for grabs, though.

All non-suspiciously staged crafting images are stills from Mary Poppins, 1964.